Following the news of Draymond Green’s Game 5 suspension, a collective sigh of relief could be heard coming from all 24 of the testicles belonging to the Cleveland Cavaliers players.

Green’s one game suspension was the result of a Game 4 tussle with LeBron James that concluded with Green swiping at either one, or both, of James’ testicles. This, unfortunately, was not the first time in the playoffs that Green was caught swiping, kicking, or generally flailing at another player’s testicles.


“When you’re constantly thinking ‘is Draymond within smacking distance of my testicles,’ it makes it really tough to keep your head in the game,” said Kyrie Irving. “Coach Lue told us we were going to have to give everything we had to win this series, but I think we were all hoping that he meant it figuratively, and definitely not that we would have to give up the possibility of having children.”

A trainer for the Cavaliers commented, “I’ve seen a lot of testicles over my career, but I can honestly say these guys had some of the most nervous and uptight looking testicles I’ve ever seen. It will be nice to see them, as well as the players they’re connected to, a little more at ease going into Game 5.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.