The Philadelphia 76ers cannot seem to catch a break, and they are beginning to think that it’s not an accident. After seeing another of their No.1 picks go down with a foot injury, the 76ers are bringing on a team shaman to ward evil spirits away from the team.

“Listen, I know a cursed team when I see one, and we are cursed,” said Sixers advisor Jerry Colangelo. “So, we signed this guy Rashkul the Dispeller to a one-year deal to see what happens. I figure it can’t hurt.”

The Sixers new shamanic force got right to work, burning sage and other ceremonial herbs at various locations throughout the team facilities. He stayed through the night, communing with the spirits of the place and asking them to move on.

“It is very bad, very bad. Many troubled spirits here,” said Rashkul the Dispeller the next morning, holding the skull of some animal. “I will continue to plead with these spirits, but I make no promises.”

Around midday, Rashkul the Dispeller was pushing for a team-wide ayahuasca ceremony to purify the bodies and souls of the players themselves.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.