1. Andy Dalton will dye his hair brown, and will henceforth be referred to as the Brown Rocket.

CINCINNATI, OH - SEPTEMBER 25:  Andy Dalton #14 of the Cincinnati Bengals is tackled by Shane Ray #56 of the Denver Broncos during the third quarter at Paul Brown Stadium on September 25, 2016 in Cincinnati, Ohio. (Photo by John Grieshop/Getty Images)

(via Getty)

2. Steve Smith Sr. will suddenly realize he’s “gettin’ too old for this shit.”

BALTIMORE, MD - SEPTEMBER 11: Wide receiver Steve Smith #89 of the Baltimore Ravens before the game at M&T Bank Stadium on September 11, 2016 in Baltimore, Maryland. (Photo by Patrick Smith/Getty Images)

(via Getty)

3. The NFL will fine Tom Brady for a “sexually suggestive gesture,” which in his case will just be taking off his helmet to reveal his rugged good looks.

CLEVELAND, OH - OCTOBER 9: Quarterbacks Jimmy Garoppolo #10 and Tom Brady #12 of the New England Patriots talk on the sidelines during the final minutes of the second half against the Cleveland Browns at FirstEnergy Stadium on October 9, 2016 in Cleveland, Ohio. The Patriots defeated the Browns 33-13. (Photo by Jason Miller/Getty Images)

(via Getty)

4. Andrew Luck will get a goddamned second to throw the football for once.

INDIANAPOLIS, IN - OCTOBER 09: Jerrell Freeman #50 of the Chicago Bears was called for roughing the passer on Andrew Luck #12 of the Indianapolis Colts at Lucas Oil Stadium on October 9, 2016 in Indianapolis, Indiana.  (Photo by Michael Hickey/Getty Images)

(via Getty)


5. Carson Wentz will rush for a touchdown and use his celebration as a platform to discuss the insensitivity of the term “Redskin”.

(V

(via Getty)

6. Richard Sherman will intercept a pass, hold the ball up in the air, and shout “FOR TRUMP!”

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ - OCTOBER 02:  Richard Sherman #25 of the Seattle Seahawks celebrates in the fourth quarter against the New York Jets at MetLife Stadium on October 2, 2016 in East Rutherford, New Jersey.  (Photo by Elsa/Getty Images)

(via Getty)

7. Cleveland will win.

MIAMI GARDENS, FL - SEPTEMBER 25: Head Coach Hue Jackson of the Cleveland Browns watches his team warm up before the start of the game against the Cleveland Browns on September 25, 2016 in Miami Gardens, Florida. (Photo by Eric Espada/Getty Images)

(via Getty)

 

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.