1. Tom Brady will throw four first-half interceptions, and immediately hop on a plane back to an Italian villa where bad things never happen.
2. Phillip Rivers will give up after a third quarter interception, and will start a brawl with Raiders fans in the Black Hole instead.
3. Rex Ryan will finally finish his screenplay about two twin brothers who conquer the universe in advance of his trip to Los Angeles.
4. Antonio Brown will finally find that dance that earns him a compliment instead of a fine.
5. Darrelle Revis will pick off Ryan Fitzpatrick out of boredom.
6. Aaron Rodgers will implore Odell Beckham Jr to R-E-L-A-X
7. Jared Goff will see his first NFL action, but will be ejected when he hugs a referee and refuses to let go.