Finally, the untold story of Ichiro Suzuki’s epic march toward 3,000 Major League Baseball hits reveals that he was motivated solely by his desire to be freed from a complex Japanese game show that he unwittingly signed up for in 2001.

The show, entitled “Yakyu Gemufanzon” (or “Baseball Game Fun Zone”), was initially supposed to be only 30 minutes long. But when Ichiro infamously drew the “Super Time Epic Challenge Moment” on the “Mega Surprise Danger Wheel,” he was tasked with leaving his homeland, joining the top baseball league in the United States, and compiling “three millennia of base hits.”

“I am proud that I was able to accrue 3,000 hits, so now I can finally see what the prize was for 16 years of diligent work,” Ichiro explained through a translator. “I heard a rumor it was a really nice vacuum. That would be nice, because I could use a really nice vacuum for my home.”

Now that Ichiro has accomplished the seemingly impossible feat in record time, he can move on to stage two of the game show, where he’ll reportedly be tasked with breaking Nolan Ryan’s all-time pitching record for most strikeouts.

Sadly, the show was canceled in 2006, but no one informed Ichiro.

We can't play sports*, but we can make jokes about them!

*Two of our writers hit a home run** once
**It was in a video game.